Shit storm / shit show – Those two words put together can mean so many things.
A few years ago it would have meant that my daughter has vomited on my top and shit through her nappy and on my legs. Years before it would have meant I was anxious and had a “crappy” day (pun intended)
But today? Today was the holy grail, true blue, literal definition of what an actual shit storm/shit show is!
Allow me to explain.
It’s 12am and I’m peacefully sleeping. My eyes are closed but I can hear my dogs paws as they tap the wooden floorboards, she’s jumping around like her dog bowel was filled with cocaine and coffee. My son reluctantly and very quietly stood there waiting for me to wake. Have you ever opened your eyes to see your kid just standing there in a dark room and staring at you quietly? Calm down poltergeist child!
“Mum the dog pooed on my bed” I cleaned it up but now she’s hyper”
Then the greatest mistake was made when I said
“It’s okay buddie, go back to sleep, I’ll look after the dog” To which I did not. In my defense I was half asleep. I don’t know what’s going on when I first wake up. Poltergeist child said he cleaned up, so yolo right?
“Go back to sleep everyone”
Here in the land down under, its summer. The weather has been fairly warm over the last few days which sucks for us because our air conditioning shit itself too and it wont be getting replaced until the weekend, so as I continue on with this story of my unfortunate morning, keep in mind that it’s stuffy in my house right now. I dare you to use your imagination.
So I wake up, put the kettle on and something smelled off. I’m still half sleep so I ignored it and forgot about it. Which I now realise was pretty stupid of me when I have a sinus infection and can barley smell anything, it must be bad for me to smell it through my blocked nose!
I was into my second coffee, sitting outside enjoying the quiet before the kids woke, but then a cool breeze came and it was no longer peaceful. I got a whiff of this god awful smell again. The dog is sitting next to me and I realised the smell was coming from her. She is smeared in shit and it’s stuck to her hair. She reeks so badly that I left her outside.
But the shit storm didn’t hit until I walked inside of the house. The smell was worse in there, so naturally I investigated. I could see a trail of shit everywhere the dog walked so I followed it ALL around the house. Kind of like an Easter egg hunt but this sure as hell ain’t chocolate!
It’s not just on the floor, it’s on the couches! My dog Bubba knows she isn’t allowed on the couches but when she was hyper last night whilst I was in a half asleep state, she was jumping around everywhere and so did her shit apparently. It’s not just on one couch but she’s gone into the second living area and decided to smear her shit on a total of four couches.
I take off the couch covers and dry-reach as I put them into the wash machine knowing they will be ready to hang up and dry when I get home.
At this point I’m flustered as hell, the house is stuffy because our air-con it’s broken, its fuc*ing hot and my house stinks of shit… Literally! Cleaning shit off the floors and furniture has set off my anxiety and delayed the morning chaos of getting the kids ready for school. I know this to be true because as I was walking Tiana into her kinder class, her uniform skirt fall down to her ankles. It was too late when I realised that I dressed her in a skirt that is two sizes too big for her, so I tucked her school t-shirt into the waist of her skirt in hopes that it will hold her skirt up for the remainder of the day. I know, I know, I’m totally winning at this parenting gig!
So I have finally dropped the kids off, I got home and was ready to hang our couch covers to dry. I walked into the house and the smell is even stronger. Turns out as I rushed to get the kids to school I left the back door open for the dog to run wild, not only that but I forgot about my sons bed sheets to which I soon found out that he cleaned the dogs shit with a kitchen tea towel.
So here I am, cleaning more shit off the floors and telling you that when I say this morning has been a shit show, I mean it’s been the shit shows of all shit shows!
How’s your morning going?
xoxo Ann Toscano