“I’m so sorry this has happened to you” is what the surgeon said.
“Your body has been taken advantage of” thoughts are racing in my head.
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We need to fix the damage caused by previous surgeons mistakes.
What do you mean I have internal nerve damage? I asked as my fragile heart slowly breaks.
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“We need to remove part of your bowel, operate on your bladder & your stomach we have to review”.
“Oh & we know you previously had a hysterectomy but we need to remove your ovaries too”
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I was only in my 20’s when I had a hysterectomy, I thought this shit was over?
I realise I have been living in survival mode, now grief is finally taking over.
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What do you mean rapid menopause? I only just entered my 30’s doc!
At this point I don’t hear a word she’s said, my body & mind are in shock.
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Whilst women my age are starting to consider building their own family tree.
I’m left broken & grieving, whilst my womanhood is being ripped away from me.
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Sometimes I’m accepting of my health battles, but today I feel I’m a burden, I’m cursed.
Yet again betrayed by the medical system to which I was doomed from birth.
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I’ve lost pregnancies, I’ve had babies, over 15 operations & counting.
The trauma & pain that my body has experienced is truly fucking astounding.
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Don’t tell me I’m lucky to be alive or that I’m lucky to have had my kids young.
You don’t need to remind me of my blessings, I’m thankful that I’m a mum.
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But allow me to grieve as I take this next step because the road ahead is going to be tough.
Don’t you dare say that my feelings aren’t valid, I’ve already been through enough!
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Feelings of sadness rush over me, no one I know has experienced this mixture of grief & sorrow.
So please don’t dismiss what I’m fucking feeling, because you’ve never had to worry if you’ll make it to kiss your kids tomorrow.
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I wake up everyday, I put on my make up, & I smile for all to see.
But not today. NO, I’m not okay, my own body is rejecting me!
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This isn’t all that my body is facing, but for now this is as open as I’m ready to be.
But it’s okay, I know I’ll be okay, because I’m stronger than anything thrown at me!
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Granted, this wasn’t how I expected my life to be but we must accept nothing in life goes to plan.
Welcome to a new series of my raw journal entries,
Love always & forever,
Ann
