“I’m sorry this has happened to you”

“I’m so sorry this has happened to you” is what the surgeon said.

“Your body has been taken advantage of” thoughts are racing in my head.

We need to fix the damage caused by previous surgeons mistakes.

What do you mean I have internal nerve damage? I asked as my fragile heart slowly breaks.

“We need to remove part of your bowel, operate on your bladder & your stomach we have to review”.

“Oh & we know you previously had a hysterectomy but we need to remove your ovaries too”

I was only in my 20’s when I had a hysterectomy, I thought this shit was over?

I realise I have been living in survival mode, now grief is finally taking over.

What do you mean rapid menopause? I only just entered my 30’s doc!

At this point I don’t hear a word she’s said, my body & mind are in shock.

Whilst women my age are starting to consider building their own family tree.

I’m left broken & grieving, whilst my womanhood is being ripped away from me.

Sometimes I’m accepting of my health battles, but today I feel I’m a burden, I’m cursed.

Yet again betrayed by the medical system to which I was doomed from birth.

I’ve lost pregnancies, I’ve had babies, over 15 operations & counting.

The trauma & pain that my body has experienced is truly fucking astounding.

Don’t tell me I’m lucky to be alive or that I’m lucky to have had my kids young.

You don’t need to remind me of my blessings, I’m thankful that I’m a mum.

But allow me to grieve as I take this next step because the road ahead is going to be tough.

Don’t you dare say that my feelings aren’t valid, I’ve already been through enough!

Feelings of sadness rush over me, no one I know has experienced this mixture of grief & sorrow.

So please don’t dismiss what I’m fucking feeling, because you’ve never had to worry if you’ll make it to kiss your kids tomorrow.

I wake up everyday, I put on my make up, & I smile for all to see.

But not today. NO, I’m not okay, my own body is rejecting me!

This isn’t all that my body is facing, but for now this is as open as I’m ready to be.

But it’s okay, I know I’ll be okay, because I’m stronger than anything thrown at me!

Granted, this wasn’t how I expected my life to be but we must accept nothing in life goes to plan.

Welcome to a new series of my raw journal entries,
Love always & forever,

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